Monday, December 13, 2010


So now I am a trucker. I had romanticized visions of this far in my future but suddenly through a most interesting, unusual, and unexpected turn of events it has come upon me in this most unusual time of my life.

When I previously worked on Semis many eons ago I had romantic visions of touring the company in a semi with a life partner before having settled down with home and children. Later I had thought it would be something great to do with a spouse later in life post children. Now I am mid-children with the home and hearth no longer around me, declarations of love and longing feeling inadequate over my cellular phone, the service of which has been slightly but noticeably inflated.

It is what I imagined for the most part. The country is beautiful, the truck is a mechanical wonder (though in the shop entirely too much), the small quarters are soothing, and the lack of human din is satisfying and calming in a way I haven't been able to experience in a very long time. On the other hand is a rather unusual loneliness (not an emotion I often experience), anxiety anytime I am still, feelings of inadequacy on the home front, frustration on so very many levels, and above all the distinct knowledge of all that I am missing. The feelings of maternal inadequacies were present earlier but now have been transformed from monetary lacking, and general frustration with my desire for both contact and lack thereof, into knowledge of my personal vacancy and all the ramifications involved. At least the money is starting to get better, though painfully slowly.

All in all the family has coped far better than I expected. Cody is once again proving what an amazing human he is. Morgan is not quite as well though with all of her little social functions she is far better off than I was expecting, and only my horse is suffering the brunt of my absence with having only infrequent visitations from friends and only monthly visits from me. She seems in good spirits having a friend in a two horse pen, her beloved blankets, and extra grain. Toby could care less if he ever sees a human again. That hasn't changed and isn't likely to.

Cody and I have been forced into rethinking the home situation. His work load is slightly increasing but still is only barely covering the bills and we have thrown around several ideas from moving to Phoenix, moving to rural Missouri, and moving to a more affordable home in Denver. None have turned out to be the solution for us. For the time being we are staying right where we are. As expensive as it is somehow it is still the best situation for us. Plans for the future include land in the Ozarks or in Bluegrass country with many acres, Cody building us a house, and hopefully some of the extended family joining us at some point.

Annie and Toby are still close to the teetering edge of dropping off the family mountain as they are a heavy burden but hopefully they will continue to stay with us as my heart would be shattered beyond recognition were I to loose them forever. Annie is currently listed in several online classifieds for lease. I have had one or two inquiries but unfortunately nothing committed as of yet.

The dogs are doing well. Briggs joined me for my first run in the truck and though he was very cuddly, warm and loving, he was more of a pain in my @ss than anything. Max pined without him so he will not ever be joining again. At least not without Cody's help. Max magically transformed into a different being without Briggs, lost a few pounds (he didn't have many to loose), and generally freaked out the group at home. He is returned to his purely evil self but the glimpse into his unprovoked self has everyone looking at him and Briggs a little differently. Briggs is seen less as the perfect, angelic being, and more as "the sleeper". Max is seen less as the source of all evil and more as "Briggs' Minion". Go figure.

I will try to be better about posting now that my training is complete. I did spend 6 weeks on a truck with a Mexican National that was 10 years my junior and although not an entirely unpleasant experience the thought of spending more time in a 12 X 12 cubicle with someone who I don't know, don't understand, and most of all who doesn't understand me is something I hope never to experience again. He is now considered a dear friend and he checks up on me daily. I like that he checks up on me. From another state.

I do hope all of you are doing well. These blogs do always seem very self-centred and preachy, and although I suppose that is their main function it still makes me uncomfortable. I also hope that this has eased the many reasonable misgivings you all have about my new adventure. Though I am sure you all disagree with my lack of desire to finish the schooling previously started, do not like that I am gone from my daughter so much (I'm not fond of this either), and basically am vulnerable and unarmed (except for my pepper spray) in the rather dangerous world, maybe you will understand that this was the only job willing to give me a chance at all, school was requiring me to re-apply and was not guaranteeing acceptance, I am good at this and enjoy it for the most part, and I feel somehow "right" here even with the severe drawbacks. I am more than anything tired of my life being on hold until... blah blah blah. I like that it is NOW. I like that I can plan again for the immediate future. I like that I feel like I am contributing rather than leeching. I look back on my last 8 or so years and cringe for its lack of direction and forward movement. I look forward with drive and hope. I miss you all and will do my best to finally get on track, even if the track is not the one that was previously envisioned, and it goes in a rather unusual direction. And I still with the Carriage thing had worked out.